Last night I was on a Zoom call with some young adults who I got to know four years ago. We began the call catching up with one another. The first guy shared how he's been learning some things. He said, "It's been hard sometimes, but I'm doing OK."

"Can you share more specifics?" I asked.

"Well, it's kind of hard."

We leaned forward, wondering what he'd share, but unprepared for what came next.

"My brother shot my mom and killed her, then he committed suicide."

We were shocked and silent as he shared the story. When he had finished, we responded with empathy and prayed for him.

And after the call was over, a question lingered, "What in the world is going on with our young people?"

The breakdown of the family looms large. Fathers who don’t show up, mothers carrying disproportionate burdens. Schools stretched beyond capacity. Social media saturating young minds with toxic lies and comparison.

How are we as parents to respond? The default response is often fear. We think, “I need to protect my kids more.” So we hover. We check. We guard. We refuse to let them take chances. As they grow into adolescence, we struggle to trust them with choices that could lead to pain.

That instinct is understandable. But it has the potential to be counterproductive. Kids need risk to become adults. Some of those risks will hurt. In fact, that’s how humans grow. We learn to walk by falling. Teens know this - they see the gap between where they are and where grownups are. They long to be trusted to cross that gap.

Trust means letting them feel pain - resisting the urge to rescue them. Pain is a teacher. When we live as though our children must never suffer, we undermine their capacity to grow strong.

How to Begin to Trust More

Here are some practical steps to move in the direction of trust:

1. Scale back — Identify areas in their life you monitor more than necessary.

2. Give agency — Allow them to make decisions (and live with results) in areas you’ve previously micromanaged.

3. Coach more — When they face difficulty, ask questions rather than giving orders. Let them wrestle with solutions.

4. Own your mistakes — If you blew it by being overbearing, apologize. (See How to Repent to Your Children)

5. Encourage — Let them know “I’m on your side” even when you disapprove.

Our children live in a world already trying to control them - algorithms, peer pressure, media, cultural narratives. What they need from us is the trust that gives them agency, allows them to learn from failure and the encouragement to dust themselves off, get back up and try again. This is how we grow.