At eight years old Susan's father came into her dark room, sat on the edge of her bed and began to stroke her hair.  What he did next has stayed with Susan all her life.  She knew it was wrong and her dad told her not to say anything about it, so she buried the secret deep inside herself.

What she couldn't bury and didn't know how to deal with was the feeling of shame that dogged her as a teenager.  She felt somehow responsible for what happened.  She felt dirty and diminished for it.  Her relationships with guys seemed awkward.  To gain control of the situation and help cope with her feelings, she medicated herself by overeating and then purging.  This turned into a disorder and compounded her feelings – she hated who she was becoming.

Susan may think she's unique but her situation is much more common than she realizes.  So, what can she do about it?

Uncover the Lies

The insidious thing about shame is that it opens the door for lies to take root and assert control.  Here are some of the more common ones:

1.     LIE: "I am responsible for what happened."

TRUTH: "I needed protection, and that was taken advantage of."
2.    LIE: "I'm a failure and unworthy of being loved.

TRUTH: "I wasn't the one who failed and I still need the love of others."
3.    LIE: "I shouldn't talk about what happened."

       TRUTH: "By sharing what happened, I realize I'm not alone and other people struggle with the same things.

Because we humans mess up with regularity, we have to develop coping mechanisms.  But the only way to truly come to peace is to embrace the truth.  If you've been dancing with shame, maybe it's time to stop.  You don't deserve the torment; and change is possible.  Here are some steps you can take to find peace:

1.    Decide to get healthy.
2.    Move towards truth – it really will set you free.
3.    Find safe relationships and places to share your stuff.
4.    Choose to forgive as much as you can.
5.    Consider going to a counselor
6.    Work on your story and share it.

7.    Repent of your own bad behavior – own it.

Ultimately, God has a redemptive purpose for even the most hurtful of experiences. When we feel shame it can help us see the hurt and ultimately lead us to a place of healing.  Shame tells you that something is out of alignment in the moral universe.  It's an alarm bell ringing.  But once it has done its work, it must be turned off.  Only then can the deeper work of healing begin.