My heart is breaking this morning. I'm wrestling with two things that just happened: First, one of my coworkers made a terrible mistake and overnight has lost his reputation, putting 15 years of ministry in jeopardy. Our team on the ground is scrambling to deal with all kinds of crazy allegations and are looking for leadership. I'm seeing how quickly what you do over a long period of time can evaporate.

Second, I just got this email from Gary Black in Swaziland about a baby that Seth Jr.'s team had been caring for (see a blog about it here):

"The baby died this morning at 5:00 am… I took the team over; Aaron and Tracey went down with Pastor Gift to tell the mother, but they are afraid this will kill her as well… I will keep you updated."

My son's team had been caring for the baby since finding him and his mother near death last week. They are devastated (see their heart-wrenching posts here and here). This is so hard. It causes me to think about the big picture of what we're doing. Can short-term missions even make a difference, or are we kidding ourselves much of the time? I'm going to take a closer look at the subject later in another blog, but right now I'm just too beaten up to do much.

I'm tired of ministry and thinking about asking God for a way out. There are a hundred other things I could do well. The thought comes to me: maybe there's someone who can do what I do better. Someone with fresher legs. I can't give up on the orphans or on discipling, but today the burdens of leadership feel overwhelming, and I can't do anything but be honest about it.

This kind of thing has happened before, and I always came back and answered the bell.  I know I'll do it again tomorrow, but if it weren't for my sense of calling, it'd
be impossible. Heaven knows that our leaders hide this stuff most of the time when the reality is that 99% of humanity is struggling with their own sense of inadequacy.