My wife Karen is a therapist who sees a lot of couples whose relationship is in trouble. They are struggling and need help. Often the issues of betrayal and trauma show up. One spouse betrays another and intimacy goes out the window. Modern marriage can be hard!

Karen and I have been fortunate to be married 44 years. We've been through a lot and we still love each other. But I've noticed that often we'll go through stretches where it's easy to coast. You ask us how our marriage is and we'll tell you, "it's good." But the reality is that it's been a while since we really checked with one another to give the opportunity for feedback.

Who wants to invite feedback that might cause conflict? It's easier to let the relationship go along on cruise control. If your life is already stressful, the last thing you want is to add another point of stress. Unless, of course, you want more than a cruise control marriage.

I remember years ago talking to a marriage counselor couple from South Africa, Jannie and Dodie Botha. They suggested a simple tool they give couples. It's like a plumber checking pipes - there can be stuff clogging the pipes in your relationship with your spouse and their questions help you see it.

The tool is simple. Just create space and ask each other the seven questions. The only rules are your spouse doesn't have to answer right away, but they do have to answer within 24 hours. Your spouse needs to be completely honest (holding hands while asking the questions can help) and you can't respond defensively.

7 questions

1. Are there any obstacles between us emotionally? Physically? Spiritually?

2. Have I hurt you in any way?

3. Have I encouraged you enough?

4. What can I do to encourage you?

5. Is there anything you want me to do differently?

6. Do I express my love for you enough?

7. Is there anything we can do to communicate better?

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So, Karen and I have a date tonight. I still need to figure out where to take her - it'll be a nice restaurant with good ambiance. I'll ask her these questions. I know she loves me and I trust her to be honest. But it's been a while since I've checked and I wonder what she'll say.

If, like me, you haven't checked lately, here's a challenge:  Try these questions out and report back about how it goes.